Jenniforecast: May 2016

ARIES ( March 21-April 19)


Your well-being is outta whack because of a surplus of male energy, Aries! Solution? Allow some strong (positive) women to take charge and influence your schedule.  And get ready for a new hobby! You’ll develop passion for a brand new activity/ pastime this month, and know it’s right when just thinking about it gives you bursts of energy. Stay with it!

P.S. You’ve done all you can. Now let them fly.

Advice: Are mountains/big open spaces drawing you right now? Take advantage of last minute travel deals/invitations. They needn’t be expensive.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)


Ch-ch-changes. That’s your theme right now. Your public AND self-image are in transition which draws new people in your life. And it’s all good. Because (let’s face it) you’ve been bored and totally impatient with routine, pettiness, and people not willing to bend. May’s about correcting situations that got funky last month, Taurus, so stay the course no matter how twisty, ok?

Advice: Pay attention to the issues in your lower body. It’s not your imagination.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)


People are trying to rush your decisions, Gemini. Don’t let them. It’ll only make you (more) high strung. Then you’ll lash out and you know what kinda mess happens after that. Your concentration is scattered this month so it’s wise to leave big projects until June. Also, watch your mouth because someone may enjoy twisting your words.

Advice: Read that last sentence again. That same someone’s trying to take advantage of you. I know you hate looking the fool, so best to keep big stuff private, k? At least for now.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)


It’s high time for new partnerships, Cancer. Align yourself with people who view the world the same funky way you do!  But cast those social anxieties aside. Adjusting to new people won’t be as hard as it was before. Your physical body is sensitive this month so watch for overindulgence, especially when it comes to processed sugar and alcohol. Your workplace will run a lot smoother than your home life this month.

Advice: Your goals are simpler (and more achievable) than you think. Your essential to-do list really has, like, 3 things on it. Not 10.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)


Oooh. Feels a little funky in your friend world, Leo. Lots of misunderstandings. The way to avoid driving yourself nuts is sticking to the FACTS of any situation and really try to be forgiving, because everyone can be a turd sometimes. At work, say yes when invited to a workshop/convention/webinar because it’ll be good for your career.

Advice: Don’t neglect loved ones this month. Especially children. A best friend or partner really wants to be your sounding board. Let them.

VIRGO ( Aug 23- Sept 22)


The same people keep tap dancing on your last damn nerve, don’t they? But choose your words carefully, Virgo. Facebook comments and emotional texts cannot be retracted. Your best medicine is the company of elders and intellectual stimulation. Think museums, art, music, cooking, literature . . . and older folk. These will ground and keep you sane until these fools leave you alone.

Advice: An opportunity will present to defend an underdog. DO IT.

LIBRA (Sept 23- Oct 22)


Minor irritations will eat you alive if you’re not careful, Libra. Especially at the beginning of May. Breathe deep. People will come round to your way of thinking. You do have one big argument in the cards this month. (Sorry) But it’ll actually be cleansing and restore healthy boundaries. Days of letting people walk all over you really need to be over.

Advice: Save big home projects until next month. And say YES to travel this month. You will totally regret not going.

SCORPIO (Oct 23- Nov 21)


The good news is: work will be pretty great this month. But socially, May might be pain in your rear. Narrow minds will go out of their way to get a rise out of you –but let’s be honest– you’ve been a little persnickety yourself, lately. You’re likely to feel nostalgic and drawn to vintage things: books, furniture, old family photos. My advice is to tuck inside these emotions until tolerance for certain people improves.

Advice: Brace yourself for NEWS.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22- Dec 21)

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Your word for the month is EXPERIMENT! Recipes, meditation, a weird fitness class– basically, anything new. Opportunity will arise from your open mind and frankly, you’ll enjoy being spontaneous for a change. You’re putting out good vibes right now and people will want to align with you. But beware your boundaries–especially at work. You’re a bundle of extremes this month, so be sure to apply that energy to something good!

Advice: It’s time to get your house in order. Donate. Clean. Get rid of crap. Consider this your cosmic kick in the butt. No one likes a hoarder.

CAPRICORN ( Dec 22- Jan 19)


Intuition sends mixed signals this month, Capricorn. What you WANT vs. what you NEED are tangled in your mind. So every step you take, think: is this essential? And we all know you love to please, but say NO to working overtime. And don’t volunteer for anything, even though you’d (obviously) do it best. At least not this month. Your ears, nose, throat, and respiratory systems feel sensitive right now and overdoing will only them worse.

Advice: Don’t take the colleague personally. Their issues are at home. Not with you.

P.S. Your family misses you.

AQUARIUS ( Jan 20- Feb 18)


Your nickname this month is Martyr. (Yay!) Sorry and all that. People always expect you to speak truth for the crowd, don’t they? And folks who have courage to speak up are easily criticized. It’ll be okay by month’s end but –really– tell people to fight their own battles. Your soul  just wants to belong and be surrounded by family this month. Especially when past issues arise. But this is what happens when you sweep issues under the rug rather than dealing with them.

Advice: Save strong opinions for when it REALLY matters otherwise you may come across looking the turd.

P.S. You really are great.

PISCES (Feb 19- March 20)


Your energy field is super porous right now, Pisces. So make triple sure to keep negative, toxic people far, far (far) away. You may find yourself obsessing about cleaning, organizing, and body image this month. Your intuition is strong and your hands are VITAL (as in crucial) for healthy, spiritual connection. Writing. Massage. Building. Crafting. These’ll keep you in the right mental space to get you through May. Warning: now’s NOT the time for property or real estate decisions. It can wait.

Advice: Say NO to guests this month unless you want invasive chaos. They can stay somewhere else.


Astrology & April’s Jenniforecast.


What a weird, touchy subject.  People share politics and colonoscopy results, but ask their sign? Now hang on a minute. That’s personal.

Like it or not, astrology is a science. Maybe a pseudoscience which means it doesn’t get funding and experts are ridiculed behind their backs. But it’s science nonetheless.

Every person I’ve ever met loves staring at the night sky. Heads against the grass. Eyes twinkly. Thoughtful. We’re commanded to peace in those moments, aren’t we. Staring. Wondering. Feeling connected without knowing why.

Maybe because every single atom in our human body is made of elements forged by dying stars. Really. Did you know that?  Joni Mitchell did. David Bowie did. Carl Sagan, too.

Oh ya! Good ole Carl! We love that guy!

Sagan was an astronomer.


Astronomers (in simplest terms) study planets, moon, stars, galaxies, and all things celestial.

Astrologers (in simplest terms) study planets, moon, stars, galaxies, all things celestial, and their positional effects on humans.

Can you name a famous astrologer?


I get it. I really do. Heavily jeweled people with tacky websites slinging words like psychic and prediction don’t help. But let’s be objective. Just for a moment.

Astrology’s not woo-woo. Nor is it connected to evil. That may be the most irritating dismissal of this study. If a benevolent God created our infinite Universe, wouldn’t some part of it have some effect on us? Even a little tiny one? I mean, wouldn’t it be weirder if it didn’t?

That was rhetorical, by the way.  Of course the heavens affect us.

Ask an ER nurse what happens during a full moon. Too subjective? Consider the moon and tides. Gravitational pull isn’t mystical, yo. It’s science. Our bodies are 60% water. Make the leap. Is it magic when female roommates and colleagues eventually synchronize menstrual cycles?

That’s just the moon, folks. There’s a lot more galaxy out there. (I think I lost the men with the period talk.) Guys, I’ll give you a second. Go ask a girl about the period thing. Go ahead. We’ll wait. It’s freaky. But it’s true.

Our universe is mysterious and we don’t have the all the answers. Anyone who claims they do is probably after your money.

Do I swear by astrology? No.  I wouldn’t even call myself an advocate. But I acknowledge its logical approach to answering questions. Reputable astrologers aren’t hovering over crystal balls. They’re studying charts, tables, graphs, and it’s CRAZY complicated. Have you ever seen a birth chart?


Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So that’s where horoscopes come in. Horoscopes are like Cliff’s Notes for all that complicated work. Newspapers can’t accommodate deep celestial findings for twelve different signs. That’s why they’re so general. They have to be. And that’s it. You can tack loaded words like divination to it if you want. But isn’t that a bit –I dunno– dramatic?

Right now we have 88 official constellations and 76 you’ve probably never heard of. The other 12 are named for the Zodiac.

Sagittarians are smartest! Capricorns the luckiest! Scorpios the best lovers!

Whatever. All humans are subject to luck, intelligence, and varying levels of talent in the sack. Reporting that Virgos are anally retentive doesn’t mean Aquarians or Cancers aren’t.  But let’s pick on Virgo a moment, because they can handle it. (Capricorns? Not so much.)

Next time you’re out dining with a Virgo, pull all the sugar packets from the caddy. Leave them disorganized on the restaurant table. You watch that Virgo squirm. Chances are they’ll put them all back in order. By color. Patting the edges to ensure they’re all in there square then look at you like, what?

Hardcore astrologers break it down even further, dissecting each sign into four: Gemini I, II, III, or Cusp, for example. And they ALL have different readings. Late-May Geminis are obsessive. Early-June Geminis, not so much. What would people think?

But I’m here to remove complication and deliver April’s Jenniforecast.

So let’s get on with it.

Aries (March 20-April 19)
Karma is STRONG in your world right now. Your loving–and not so loving– actions yield swift reactions, so be careful. Especially around that person going out of their way to undermine you. P.S. It’s okay to let someone else hold the reigns. Really. NO REALLY. Drop the reigns, Aries. Advice: Don’t act. Observe. Avoid financial decisions that include the word ‘quick’ or ‘now.’

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Ooh, this is an emotional month for you. If you feel fragile, it’s because hard lessons are repeating. Why aren’t you listening? The most powerful thing you can do this month is get enough rest and quit resisting. Repeat after me: CHANGE IS GOOD. It’ll feel better on the other side. Promise. Advice: Speak up when they ask. And quit procrastinating.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This month promises to end well for you, Gemini. But you must be VERY clear with your intentions. The universe won’t deliver if you’re not clear with your wish list. The stars predict an unexpected blessing and remind you that not all blessings are financial. See what happens when you stop making excuses? Advice: Don’t take sides. Think diplomacy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You had some really good ideas last month. Why haven’t you done anything? It’s okay to dream big. And you don’t need someone’s permission to move forward or be happy. The stars encourage you to be a bit selfish this month, Cancer. The time is NOW. Advice: Curb your aggression, though. No one likes a control freak.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Don’t try to multi-task this month, Leo. One thing at a time. People have been very patient, but now’s not the time to tap dance on anyone’s good graces. Make a list –and prioritize– the things you need to do. It’s not as complicated as you think. Your private efforts ARE making a difference. Advice: A big, new idea will be born this month. Cultivate carefully.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
This looks to be a very nice month for you, Virgo. But play close attention to your circle. Not everyone is celebrating with you. Don’t forget to be playful amid all that organizing and planning. You’re very creative beneath all that control. Say yes to that invitation. Advice: Focus on others this month. In fact, STUDY them.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Try really hard not to overspend this month because it’ll make you feel worse. Your thoughts have been spinning like a hamster wheel because you’re not balanced. If life feels like a puzzle, try to assemble the pieces a different way. You already have everything you need. Advice: Scrutinize your expenses. Where do you spend your money?

Scorpio (October 23-Nov 21)
You’ve been a little lax with your health, Scorpio. You know what you’re doing. And overdoing. Misery at work is self-imposed. The stars gently remind that you are prone to moody bouts and next month will be better. No one will make you happy but YOU. Advice: Attempt to be quiet this month. One hears plenty in silence.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
This may be a challenging month. Family and relationship conflicts will bring intense discussions. It’s not that your opinions don’t matter, it’s that the people you’re dealing with are stubborn. So focus on the small stuff because you can’t handle big right now (and that’s okay.) The stars specifically warn against sitting too long or being idle. Advice: Change is GOOD. Especially now. Compromise or suffer!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Slow the hell down, Capricorn. It’s okay to ask for help! Expect sudden changes later this month, especially financial ones. You’re making a better impression than you realize, but isn’t that usually the case? Courage and risk-taking yield good results. Advice: People will meddle and offer to help. Know the difference. Accept the help.

Aquarius (January 20-Feb 18)
Being self-indulgent will distract you from your goals. Allow yourself to be led by others if things feel stagnant. Water is always your friend, Aquarius, so retreat there if things feel a little volatile. Watch your words with sensitive family members. That tongue can sting. Advice: Nothing will feel right if you’re not happy at home. Start there.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Feeling neglected, Pisces? The wait is over. Positive, sweeping changes are on the horizon and you’re in the driver’s seat. Wheee! Focus on your mental, rather than physical health. They’ll eventually be in sync. All systems are GO, but be advised to stick to your decisions. Being flaky will disintegrate all your hard work. Advice: Time to shine, fishface. You have good people around you!

Have a FANTASTIC month, everyone. If all else fails, be nice and do your best. Those go a long way no matter what you believe.