Original MINDER Video (FAIL.)

Now you’ve seen my official MINDER book trailer, I’ll safely confess I attempted making my own video before Matthew Niemann saved me.

My poor little effort was doomed from the start. I was on day 4 of the flu. We’re talking FOUR days of hallucination fever. Hot sweats. Cold sweats. Debilitating fatigue. I could barely flip my aching body from one side to the next. It took an act of God to get up and pee. I talked to the ceiling because no one else would come near. The family stayed away because apparently, the room smelled. I’m telling you, I was SICK. But on day 4, Christopher made an announcement.

“I think your book is here.”

(he said this from the doorway)

My book.

MINDER was a Kindle book before it was page-sniffable.The fabulous Theresa Jones helped me ready it for paperback, and Amazon sent a proof copy before it went live.

My copy had arrived.

I hobbled downstairs, sweaty and pale. And then I heard the voice.

Get this on film.

I wish it said to put on some lip gloss, because I looked like ass. But I listened. I was the color of an egg yolk. But I listened.

Christopher filmed me opening, then holding, my first copy of MINDER.

My body celebrated being vertical, while my hands celebrated 8 years of -let’s just say- hard work. My heart pounded, too, but it was probably just exertion. In any case, it was emotional.

A few days later, I had the bright idea to film “scenes” from the book. Another massive fail. First off, Mercury was in retrograde. NEVER attempt anything important during mercury retrograde. Secondly, my actors (are) spazmatrons. With gas. Thirdly, I am not a film maker.

1. Every scene was interrupted. EVERY SCENE. EVERY TIME.
2. That bloody ‘H the M’ package got dropped 50 times. Do you think it EVER landed right? No. Irritation level: 10.
3. All she had to do was call for Winnie. It was the one scene that actually went according to plan. Until she farted.
4. I gave up.

In the end, I decided to put my sorry efforts together for my own gratification and set it to music that, if nothing else, would make ME smile. So I did. I toyed with making it public, but God intervened and sent the talented, uber-professional Matthew Niemann to save my reputation. Thanks, Matt.

As for my video, well. . . I’ll stick to writing. But there’s some cool orb action from 1:09-1:27 and, if you’re a total freak, some soft toot action at 1:41. It goes without saying I don’t own any rights to this music, but for the love of God, turn up your speakers.

Peace, love, and portals,
Jennifer Kabay

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Natural Homemade Roach Trap

I’m sorry if this makes you barf. I can’t think of any sane reason to write about roaches (on purpose) UNLESS it’s a treatise asking God why they’re here in abundance. With superpowers. Making everyone cringe. I mean, seriously. Want world peace? Throw a bunch of flying roaches in a small room at the UN. They’ll stop arguing about Palestine to help each other on chairs. Throw each other books to swat with. You’d never see man unite so quickly for the common good.

(But I digress).

So anyway, I hate them. HATE THEM. Their stillness on a wall and waving antennae cause involuntary spine squiggles that typically results in me having to pee. Just writing this makes me twitch. So here’s my point: We discovered the best solution ever to keep them AWAY. And you don’t need poison or any other smelly chemicals. I need to point out we don’t have a roach problem. But we DO live in an old wooden house in Central Texas, which is a recipe for my own personal hell after it rains. Or when it’s humid. Or super hot. With me so far?

Here’s what you do:

1. Grab a straight edged cup or bowl. Nothing with a curve or handle.

2. Coat the ENTIRE inside with butter. Or bacon fat. Or grease. (Use your finger) Get it nice and slippery.

3. Fill the bottom with an inch or two of water. Don’t fill it so high that they can get out.

4. Place bowl wherever you catch them. (kitchens & bathrooms, usually.)

They smell the grease, climb in, and drown. It’s very simple. Proof? The first time we did it we caught 3. The second time we did it we caught a few more. The last time we did it, we left town for the weekend and came home to THIS:

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See that bastard trying to climb out?? How freaking gross is THAT!!!! I about DIED.

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Yea. That.

But that last trap did the trick. We haven’t seen OR caught any since then, which was weeks ago. Those clever little nasties warned their friends to stay away! Ha!

So feel free to spread the word. I take no credit for this ‘invention,’ but I’m here to swear it works. And it’s free. And you don’t need nasty chemicals. Good for the earth, bad for roaches, we ALL WIN!

Have a lovely evening.

love,

Jennifer